Being Neuro-Divergent
There are three major types of ADHD. There is impulsive, inattentive, and then there is the combination type. I have the combination type which is usually viewed as the most chaotic. It’s a constant battle with myself internally when it comes to basic things such as decision making. It affects me in a multiple aspects in my life such as friendships, relationships, school life, work life, life in general & even music. I didn’t fully understand I had ADHD until I was about 19 in college, and even then it was more like “oh okay I have ADHD”. I came from the same generation that down played ADHD so hard that I instinctively did the same. I truthfully did not begin to study and understand my ADHD until my last relationship, which was only coming to terms with it 4-5 years ago. I’m currently 28 turning 29 yrs old so you can say I was pretty late in the game.
Some people experience different symptoms of ADHD. No Neuro-Divergent is exactly the same nor has the exact same symptoms. There is a misconception that ADHD Is always being hyper and that’s not the case. I typically can shift from being hyper to just being inattentive which is exactly the combination type. Sometimes I’m trying to focus so hard on just paying attention but I can’t. I typically do not like loud places such as bars, restaurants, movies, or anywhere where there is a lot of people because it’s so stimulating for me. If I’m having a day where I’m not stimulated, I can manage. If I enter a stimulating place while already being stimulated, none of the information you’re telling me through out that time will be registered.
I’ve navigated my life with ADHD non medicated, but that wasn’t really by choice. It was never an option for me and I just kind of feel confident enough now that I feel like I can navigate without medication. It’s not because I’m not as ADHD, I’m severely ADHD actually. I just had help from my background as an athlete and martial artist. Being young and into martial arts, I’ve always had some type of schedule. Now that I’m older and do so much, all I do is function with schedules. As a matter of fact if something is spontaneous it pretty much bothers me because its not within my schedule. It truly stimulates me when something isn’t planned. A lot of things can stimulate me and it takes a lot to make me de-stimulated.
Somethings that I do when I’m really stimulated are:
Work Out
Drink tea
Put on a scented candle
Take a hot bath with epsom salt
Wear loose comfortable clothes
Of course being well rested
Depends on the time of day; I turn off all the lights & dim my laptop screen
Being stimulated really can affect me in many ways. It affects my relationships, friendships, work life, & social life in general. If' I’m stimulated I go through Executive Dysfunction and ADHD Paralysis. Executive dysfunction is being so stimulated I can forget simple things like where I put something or just information I typically know. It also tends to be harder for me to contextualize my feelings, or reacting more rationally like I should. It usually takes me a few to collect my thoughts, which is why I’m so contemplative by nature. I tend to be really contemplative before I say anything or do anything when Im stimulated. ADHD Paralysis however, is my brain practicing avoidance and procrastination because I’m so stimulated.
Being ADHD we tend to feel more, so we talk with a lot of passion which can be misinterpreted as aggression sometimes. I’ve had conversations with people who have definitely misinterpreted my passion for aggression when talking about a topic I truly care about. Sometimes maybe I’m passionate but frustrated on the topic, and people take it as I’m frustrated with them. Being stimulated from these conversations can also allow us to talk a lot or talk very fast and have our minds jump from one thought to another. Especially when someone asks me to explain something I try to explain it as best as I can but my ADHD mind makes me feel like I’m not explaining it properly so therefore I over explain. One thing that has been a huge learning curve with my ADHD is communicating with Neuro-Typicals. As someone ADHD sometimes people get lost as I get lost within my thoughts too, and then I need to explain why one thought reminded me of the next thought and link them together.
ADHD affects me even when it comes to music because sometimes I have sensory overload. I also have Auditory Processing Disorder, which means I’m hyper sensitive to sounds and I hear things amplified when I stimulated called Hyperacusis. This makes sounds and tones very amplified just like how ADHD amplifies my emotions. It’s completely normal for me to not be able to hear a note and match it or get off key some days especially if I’m already stimulated. It’s not the fact I can’t do it but I can’t do it due to over stimulation and now everything including my five senses are amplified. It’s the same reason why when I was younger hearing chords on guitar vs hearing the same chords in piano would process differently in my head.
My cognitive function affects me even when it comes to simple task such as
driving. When I’m stimulated or upset I can not drive, I no longer feel safe. When I drive like this I am fixated and hyperfocus what was said to me v.s driving. I will begin to pass stop signs, red lights, etc. I learned this very quick about myself since I am a new driver. Sometimes if I’m stimulated I need to pull over and just wait a minute. I get stimulated because of many things for example: maybe I’m driving at night and the lights are stimulating. Sometimes its that , cars honking, and cutting everyone off that stimulate me. Again I’m not always like this but I am when im stimulated or being upset. Studies show most car accidents in fact happen by people who seem to have ADHD. A car cutting you off is usually someone who has ADHD and is impulsive.
When it comes to relationships, my ex was Neurotypical. So there was a lot she didn’t understand about my ADHD. Often times my cognitive function made her think I didn’t pay attention , lacked respect for her , or the topics she was talking about. I constantly made her feel neglected, and not loved by this. So, It was very hard for me in this relationship because the things we would fight about were all ADHD related. Even when trying to communicate to her about my ADHD she would think im using it for my convenience but the reality was I’m in fact just very Neuro-Divergent. Trying to make her happy I began to try to train myself to communicate like a Neuro-Typical. I began to learn how to talk to Neuro-Typicals where I would explain my thoughts and how they were linked together. It was a learning curve, but I developed that style of communicating in attempts to make my partner at the time happy. At certain points she thought my ADHD would change yet I communicated to her it will never go away. That just seemed to not register to her, and it began to wear on me quickly. It was like I was constantly walking on egg shells. One thing about being ADHD is I’m a go hard or go home type of person. I will do anything to make my partner happy, but if I notice nothing changing I begin to lose interest and withdraw completely.
It doesn’t matter how long I was with them, or how much they love me. I feel as though Neuro-Typicals will never understand the immense amount of effort it takes for someone Neuro-Divergent to try and develop their cognitive function, because it will never happen. It’s a constant battle inside your head. At the same time, I can be very invested in someone where they are my complete focus. I’m able to fall and feel deeply for someone in a short amount of time because again I feel more than a Neuro-Typical. It doesn’t mean something was real or fake just because I moved on. It just means my feelings are very strong and that’s another thing Neuro-Typicals will never understand. I either love something or hate it, I have no in between.
My thoughts, my passions, my love, can jump like a ping pong. If I don’t see progress in the fruits of my labor in these aspects of my life I begin to hop from one thing to another. I feel as though I tend to do this, because I also come from a background where I’ve never been praised before nor ever had emotional support. Anyone who ever loved me, always loved me under conditions, yet my love has none. I’m not really kind to myself. I’m hard on myself with everything that I do. I feel like this is the athlete and martial artist within me that does this to myself. As a matter of fact I will push myself into a point where I’m so exhausted I could do nothing for days. The last job I had was so stimulating. Often times I worked doubles back to back, or even a whole week straight. My work ethic could never be questioned. This is why I feel like in my life I need more love, compassion, understanding, and patience from other people. Very fortunately my current partner is in fact Neuro-Divergent like me, we are both Native, and we completely understand each other. We do experience different symptoms of ADHD sometimes, but things have never felt smoother. I’m grateful because her energy and presence is a nice change of scenery for once.